I developed a burning desire to experience the dating world. I chose tinder as my experimental ground. I was very nervous about how the society would perceive me because I was aware of the dominant narrative around tinder which is basically “dtf”.
I disregarded my reservations which were, of course, second-hand opinions of the moral police and created a profile and jumped straight into the world of online dating.
I met with 30 guys over a period of 30 days. Initially, there was no structure, no motive nor any intention to pursue such a meaningless task. But, the number 8 circled with the name of the guy next to it, on my calendar, caught my attention. I counted the days. It was 15 days, 8 first dates and half brain cells dead. I gave meaning to the task: “How about 30 dates in 30 days?”
So, I began.
I started observing closely and felt like a useless scientist on a useless mission when I saw patterns emerging.
Anyways, in my conclusion, I came up with the following 8 categories:
Pseudo-intellectuals type I
“What do you like to do in your spare time?”
“I read”, my enthusiasm never wavered in answering this question.
“Do you read as well?”
“What do you like to read” *Nice save, turning it back on me*
“I read philosophy, I love Camus and I am marrying him”
“Why are you dating people when you have someone in mind?” *Spends the next 10 minutes giving an introduction to Camus and his philosophy*
10 minutes later, the date believes that he is an ultimate authority/expert on the subject matter
“Life is not absurd; it depends on how you take it. Why are you so negative?”
*Mentally visualizes slowly getting up pouring the coffee on my own head and then turning around and walking away*
Pseudo-intellectual type II
The people who read the book covers in a bookshop to “up” their game or the ones who have read one book in their entire life.
*the whole reading question repeats on a different day with a different person but the same coffee shop*
“I love Chomsky too”
“I think he is a great leader…..”
“Okay” – moving on!
They switch to calling you “baby” in 20 minutes of meeting you and you have to politely remind them that you are 30 and not a baby anymore.
They are superficial because once you let them talk about their ex-relationships, the whole façade of confidence melts away in the coffee cup and you are doing the emotional labour for them.
This type does not let you talk at all. They tell you everything about their life from the time they were born to how their ex-girlfriend fucked their life. You get really lucky if they pause and ask you a question, but dare they let you finish answering because they take it upon themselves to answer it for you.
“What are you looking for?”
“I am looking for a long-term relationship where I can love and respect and honour my partner……” and so on and on.
Non-existent internet type
They have a great personality on the internet when you are talking to them online but as soon as you meet them, they don’t open their mouth. You ask questions and they respond in a mechanical manner. No reciprocal questions. Lots of awkward silences. The fastest coffees I have ever drunk. Best record: 8 minutes
Means of escape: Pre-set alarm goes off
Needy type I
They want you to promise them that you would not hurt them and never leave them.
*Alarm bells ringing*
Needy type II
They have learnt to play with emotion. They say what they have always been saying and think that this is what I have been dying to hear all my life.
“I will never hurt you”
“I want to fall in love with a beautiful brain like yours”
“But, I fall out of love very easily, sometimes in a week”.
They realize that you are not interested in anything so they stop being pathetic, attempt to recover their lost integrity and genuinely start asking questions. This kind actually prefers open relationships!
The big car, big house and island type
They flaunt their material possessions. According to them, they have a big car, big house and have so much money that they can quit their call centre job anytime they want.
You have to wait for them to finish talking about their material wealth and then they notice that you are not even a bit interested so they get confused and lose the plot and ask if you would like to meet for dinner the next day.
*I still haven’t figured out how a second date would save the first one*
The extra-fragile ego type
You meet with them and you get psyched out because they stare at you and have no intention in conversing with you. You leave in 8 minutes and they text you and you don’t respond back so they get agitated and resort to ad-hominem attacks
“Do you ever think you will find someone with your shitty work hours”
“My hours help me filter out shitty people like yourself. Make sure you see a doctor because your fragile ego has been deeply bruised by a woman”
“You are not dateable because you are an asshole”
“Thank you for the compliment”
The tolerable but rare kind
They are intellectually smart enough to understand that you are not interested but they recognize that friendship would be more valuable because of the shared common interests in LOTR, philosophy and mutual hatred of peanut butter.
P.S. I am not pretentious and I am definitely not an asshole. Also, I am done with online dating. For about a month. And, also, tinder is cool.