I loved you

I was tidying my closet and discovered a bundle of undelivered letters and a diary with pages after pages filled with bleeding words, skillfully tied together with a black ribbon. I untied it. The cover of the diary had a very short but powerful scribbled note:

Dear Future self,

I do not think I will ever heal from this unrequited love and probably end up being dead. If I survive this…

A disturbed current self – 17/12/2016

I was horrified to see the pleas of a mutilated soul. I could not believe that I did not believe if I would survive this. Well, I do not blame myself for not being able to see more than a couple of hours in the future. I was neck-deep in the quicksand of sorrows expecting death anytime. Little did I know that the day my heart was ripped out and torn apart, that very day, I had started on a journey to heal. I just did not recognize the strength of my resilience.

As I reach the anniversary of the day my heart was broken, I thought it was about time to reflect upon the dangers of unrequited love, falling out of it and generally the healing power of time.

Background story

I had written about it already! Damn!

Unrequited love

 

Is dangerous if there is a union. No union, no problem! I was happy for 4 years having a full blown love affair in my head!

When there is a union, you find out ugly pieces of information about the beloved who had been occupying a divine space in your head and you get baffled and you desire to go back to loving them to the time when you had no clue they were so fucked in the head but you cannot go back in the past, so you end up getting fucked in the head too.

But, if you are not enjoying the unrequited love because you want a union then I suggest get to know the beloved and see how they are not what you have imagined them to be. Problem solved.

Falling out of love and the feels

  • Fuck it feels amazing. You no longer display physiological changes when you see the person (ex-beloved). No heart racing, no dreamy eyes, no trembling hands, no dilated pupils and other stuff.
  • You no longer recognize them in the crowd.
  • You no longer find their voice to be the elixir of sound
  • You no longer bother about their welfare, whether they have eaten, slept etc.
  • You no longer care about their opinions
  • You no longer die to see them
  • You no longer give a fuck
  • You are liberated

It did not happen over a period of days or hours. It took 6 long months to get over it. A lot of forgiveness was involved. Another post about it – I have seriously exhausted this topic out.

The power of time

Time heals everything period

pocket-watch-2443870_1920

For me, the memory of the beloved faded away. My broken heart healed. Of course, with every blow, every setback you lose a bit of yourself. I lost a lot as well. I could no longer understand the love between Rumi and Tabriz, I could no longer relate to them, I could no longer care about the things I cared about.

Despite the horrors of that time, I am grateful

Had I not gone through it, I would have continued to live in the bubble of my beloved. I would not have ventured out in the world. I would not have experienced new people, new ideas, new love affairs, new philosophers, I would not have ever met Albert Camus, would not have understood him, would not have loved him, would not have had new ambitions nor new goals. I, in all entirety, understand what Steve Jobs meant by:

You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life

Oh, so many memories associated with Steve Jobs. I shall write about him soon too!

Anywho, my dots connected pretty well. It was my resilience that helped me connect them.

What was the point of the post? Well, it does not matter but I wrote a response to my past self:

Dear past self,

I am very much alive and feel stronger than ever! You will be glad to know that I am a very satisfied absurdist. Albert Camus is a great lover.

And also, what does not kill you makes you stronger.

Okay bye,

The current self – 7/8/2017

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11 thoughts on “I loved you

  1. Preach!
    You’ve came along way an you’ve gotten plenty steps to the top…

    Unique and brave and just plain old one of the fucking koolest, strongest and tuffest women I know…

    Unpredictable and maybe a Lil scary but your a good…. Im sorry! A great friend! More power to you and your growth and development.

    TO THE ULTIMATE REBEL QUEEN!😎🍻&💪💖

    Liked by 1 person

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