How to clean your house and keep it that way – FOREVER!

I woke up in a garbage compound today. Again. For the 320th million times.

One may ask, how do I get there? Well! As it happens to be, it is where I live.

Ohhhhhhh!!!!! Everyone gets it now.

I swear I cleaned the house 9 days ago. Just 9 days ago. So, naturally, I was very frustrated and baffled.

“I have had enough of this shit”, I said to myself, in that very high-pitched dramatic tone.

“Seek professional help” a clever voice in my head

Google failed me, it had things like:

1. Pick up clothes from the floor
2. Vacuum
3. And pretty much actually get up and do something

It did not have any permanent solutions other than changing behaviour. Lol! Why would I do that? I am busy with some very important stuff like breathing, feeding myself, staring into the void, trying to figure out why I exist, in short, I have no time for fitting in a 20-minutes cleaning routine.

I called up some of my imaginary friends and as usual, they were quick to judge and demonstrated zero hesitation in revealing their ill-founded opinion about me. They thought I was just plain lazy. I reminded them that their existence depends on me and that if they do not change their patronising tone and going forward if they have nothing valuable to add to any discussions, I would decimate them without notice.

That shut them down. But, the problem still stared in my face.

Sometimes, I am a genius and I surprise even myself by the great ideas that conceive in my head. The genius mode is strictly between the hours of 9 am – 10:30 am, but just to clarify, the other 22 and a half hours of the day I am pretty much a useless blob of meat. Anyways, this million dollars idea was to burn the house down.

Problem completely solved.

Burnt House = No house = No need for cleaning.

I started to itemise the things I would need to buy in order to light myself my house on fire. Right about then, I heard a knock on the door.

“Come on in“, I excitedly said as I do not get visitors. My first guess was my building manager. He is a regular. He has so many problems with me. Don’t hang your clothes. Don’t smoke. Don’t breathe.

“You need to open the door first”, came that sweet melodious voice of help laced with sarcasm which was definitely not my building manager’s voice. His voice is always happy which is deceptive because when you open the door, his eyes are spitting fire and his words are always along the lines of: Stop doing this!

“Hi, I am wise Rhino and I am here to help you”, said the Wise Rhino

“Oh my God, are you the fairy Rhino?”

“Are you going to give me a wand or a magic spell or a bottle of fairy dust?”

“No, you idiot! First, take the wings off me“, thundered the Wise Rhino.

“Ok! I am a very busy Wise Rhino so I am going to get straight into it”

8.5 Tips by the expert Wise Rhino

1. Tie things to their original place so that they are always in place.

2. Clear a path from your bedroom to the main door so that it is easier to navigate in and out of the house.

3. It is the perception that matters. Start referring to your dirty house as “art” and believe in it.

 

4. Break your leg and ask your friends and family to visit and help you out at home. This way you get to lie in the bed and things automatically get done. This is an expert level activity, so, ensure that you don’t accidentally die.

5. Buy a new house every time your old one gets uninhabitable.

6. Get help from Freud to unpair the word clean from actual clean. Pair instead the word clean with actual dirty.

7. Invent the time-travelling machine so that everytime your house gets dirty, you travel back to the time when it was clean.

8. Buy a cat, plan a holiday to Pakistan, ask your friends to look after your house and the cat.

8.5 Just stop giving a fuck! Your house is not running for America’s next top model.

With these wise words, the Wise Rhino departed into the world where it came from and I was enlightened and empowered for the rest of my life.