How to clean your house and keep it that way – FOREVER!

I woke up in a garbage compound today. Again. For the 320th million times.

One may ask, how do I get there? Well! As it happens to be, it is where I live.

Ohhhhhhh!!!!! Everyone gets it now.

I swear I cleaned the house 9 days ago. Just 9 days ago. So, naturally, I was very frustrated and baffled.

I have had enough of this shit”, I said to myself, in that very high-pitched dramatic tone.

Seek professional help” a clever voice in my head

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Google failed me, it had things like:

  1. Pick up clothes from the floor
  2. Vacuum
  3. And pretty much actually get up and do something

It did not have any permanent solutions other than changing behaviour. Lol! Why would I do that? I am busy with some very important stuff like breathing, feeding myself, staring into the void, trying to figure out why I exist, in short, I have no time for fitting in a 20-minutes cleaning routine.

I called up some of my imaginary friends and as usual, they were quick to judge and demonstrated zero hesitation in revealing their ill-founded opinion about me. They thought I was just plain lazy. I reminded them that their existence depends on me and that if they do not change their patronising tone and going forward if they have nothing valuable to add to any discussions, I would decimate them without notice.

That shut them down. But, the problem still stared in my face.

Sometimes, I am a genius and I surprise even myself by the great ideas that conceive in my head. The genius mode is strictly between the hours of 9 am – 10:30 am, but just to clarify, the other 22 and a half hours of the day I am pretty much a useless blob of meat. Anyways, this million dollars idea was to burn the house down.

Problem completely solved.

Burnt House = No house = No need for cleaning.

I started to itemise the things I would need to buy in order to light myself my house on fire. Right about then, I heard a knock on the door.

Come on in“, I excitedly said as I do not get visitors. My first guess was my building manager. He is a regular. He has so many problems with me. Don’t hang your clothes. Don’t smoke. Don’t breathe.

You need to open the door first”, came that sweet melodious voice of help laced with sarcasm which was definitely not my building manager’s voice. His voice is always happy which is deceptive because when you open the door, his eyes are spitting fire and his words are always along the lines of: Stop doing this!

Hi, I am wise Rhino and I am here to help you”, said the Wise Rhino

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Oh my God, are you the fairy Rhino?

Are you going to give me a wand or a magic spell or a bottle of fairy dust?

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No, you idiot! First, take the wings off me“, thundered the Wise Rhino.

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Ok! I am a very busy Wise Rhino so I am going to get straight into it

8.5 Tips by the expert Wise Rhino

1. Tie things to their original place so that they are always in place.

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2. Clear a path from your bedroom to the main door so that it is easier to navigate in and out of the house.

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3. It is the perception that matters. Start referring to your dirty house as “art” and believe in it.

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4. Break your leg and ask your friends and family to visit and help you out at home. This way you get to lie in the bed and things automatically get done. This is an expert level activity, so, ensure that you don’t accidentally die.

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5. Buy a new house every time your old one gets uninhabitable.

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6. Get help from Freud to unpair the word clean from actual clean. Pair instead the word clean with actual dirty.

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7. Invent the time-travelling machine so that everytime your house gets dirty, you travel back to the time when it was clean.

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8. Buy a cat, plan a holiday to Pakistan, ask your friends to look after your house and the cat.

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8.5 Just stop giving a fuck! Your house is not running for America’s next top model.

With these wise words, the Wise Rhino departed into the world where it came from and I was enlightened and empowered for the rest of my life.

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24 thoughts on “How to clean your house and keep it that way – FOREVER!

  1. 😂😂😂 I think it’s time for me too to call Mr. rhino. 😂 I already have a kitty at home so minus one bullet point. I paint sometimes, so may be I should try modern art next 🤔
    Btw, Mr. Rhino looks cute 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Haha this post made me chuckle. My husband and I were discussing the same topic last night, he imparted some wisdom ‘If you clean the dishes each time there’s only one and two at the sink, then they won’t pile up.’ Genius idea, never occured to me in between all the laundry and mopping and ironing and cooking I do LOL. 😂😂

    Liked by 3 people

      1. You always see these videos on YouTube of cats playing piano and looking cute, but I’ve never seen one with a goat! I reckon they must be from different planets (that have been waging a centuries old war). Apart from that – fine. 😉

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Ah yes – when you’re in the garbage eating business you have to think of these things. Where would the world be if these matters were just left to chance and circumstance. I’ll tell you – all our karmic accounts would be in the red – that’s what would happen!
        Lucky I’m here to save you. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  3. 😂 This is fantastic, I thought I was the only guy in between the garbage. Thank God there are so many people around. I do not understand how I lost my sight. Hehehe
    I only scared of the Rhino, if it comes my way the dogs shall make it fly by.
    It is better I feel to have another house by the side one clean and one full of garbage. My wife would like no no love the idea, but please keep the idea away from her, orelse she shall pester me one too buy one besides. OMG! 😇🤔😉😥🙄

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Sshhhhhhh! Don’t tell any body, I shall be the driver you be the conductor, there are many passengers coming ahead to board the boat, we charge them a ticket we can earn some 💰 money. This is not liberation anyway hahaha
        🤔😇🤗

        Liked by 1 person

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