1046 days – an open letter to the beloved

I had a recent conversation with a friend and it had me thinking about how I was framing you and how hurtful it was.

How’s your love life?

I don’t have a love life

Why? Uhh! You still love that bastard!

I cringed at this word.

Master or bastard?

I was burning in the fire of hatred for 186 days. I was unsure. I had ambivalent feelings. Somedays, I was very angry and other days, I was placid. I was confused. I had no idea where to put you anymore. I could not decide whether I should continue loving you or hating you.

I forgot about our friendship. I forgot about the times that you were there for me. I forgot about your teachings. I forgot about your patience. I was just burning in hatred. I forgot about everything else. I chose to forget about everything else. I wanted you to apologize. I wanted you to acknowledge my hurt.

I had to dig very deep inside to let go of the hatred I had been feeling towards you. As the clouds of hatred gave way to clear thinking. I saw the amount of good that I was suppressing. I realised that I still loved you. Just like the way I loved you before the pain of union overshadowed everything that I had ever felt. I realised that I cannot remember you as anything other than ‘Master’. I cannot let the 186 days take away the lessons of 1046 days. I cannot let my worship taint by some setbacks. I realised that no matter how much I run away from what I learnt, I cannot do so. The books stare at me. They judge me. They question my reverence. They ask me if my thinking has become so constricted that I cannot see anything other than hatred. They force me to give up on the hate that I have been carrying.

I want to remember you from what I had learnt in those 1046 days. I want to remember you as the person I loved. I want to remember the good. I am letting go of the hatred.

Dear beloved, I forgive you.