“Would you have known 3 months ago that we would be sitting here?” asked a friend in response to my claim of knowing everything about life and coming to a conclusion that it was not worth living.
I was speechless but they had a point! A very important one.
3 months ago
I had a Master. I was a follower. No one could get through to me other than him. I had to get his validation before I formed an opinion about anything. I had truly become a reflection of my Master. His opinions were my opinions, his resentment was my resentment, his discourse was my discourse, his objection was my objection, his opposition was my opposition, his love was my love, and his demons were my demons. I could see no other. I could feel no other. My master, though, had no idea that I was a disciple. He was oblivious to my reverence, to my worship, to my existence.
In his shade, I had created a comfort zone and from within that echo chamber, I believed that I was righteous, that I knew what I was doing and that I knew what life was all about. Oh! the pride.
As I was drawn deeper into my Master’s world, I lost my way. I willingly walked on the path, trusting that he would lead me out of it. But! He had no idea. In his own world, I lost him. I lost myself. I lost the path.
Perched in a dark alley, desperately trying to figure out a way, lamenting his loss, I somehow subconsciously started to unlearn.
3 months later
Last night I was out and about attending an artistic expression. As I was standing amidst a crowd of people, at an hour I normally am comfortably reading in my bed, it began to dawn upon me the changes that I have gone through. The people I have met. The boundaries that I have questioned. The barriers that I have broken.
I was going in and out of my mind trying to understand my environment. I was in deep contemplation as I met new people, as I conversed with people about things I would never talk about, as I walked around, as I understood the extent of isolation that I had subjected myself to, by worshiping one person and his discourse.
And I understood the depth of “3 months”. I understood that if someone had told me a couple of months ago that I would be in so and so place, doing such and such, I would laugh and with conviction say, “There is no way I can do that”. But, I was there.
Had someone told me 3 months ago that I would not be working in the same place I had been working in for 4 years, I would not have believed them. I would have asked for proof. But, here I am working in a very different environment, getting challenged every day, meeting with some wonderful people, adapting and evolving.
Had someone told me 3 months ago that I would challenge everything that my Master had taught me, I would laugh at them and say, “You really don’t know me, do you?” But, here I am unlearning and starting again.
Had someone told me 3 months ago that I would not be able to love my Master the way I had loved him, I would swear on anything and tell them, “If there is one reality which would never alter and would stand the test of time, it is my love for him”. But, here I was unable to feel the love that I had passionately held onto for the past 4 and half years.
Had someone told me 3 months ago that I would seriously start to give a thought to moving away from New Zealand, I would agree but in my head it would go something like, “I have been thinking but I know I cannot” But, here I am working on a plan to make that plunge.
Life is unpredictable. Life is about constructing beliefs and deconstructing them. I am glad to have met some amazing people in the last 3 months, who happened to be a part of my life earlier on, but unfortunately, I was way too busy in being a follower to have opened up to the possibilities.
I do not know what tomorrow holds or where I would be in the next 3 months but all I know is that I want to be present when it is happening. I want to be present 3 months later.
P.S. 3 months are not really 3 months. Master and disciple are loosely referring to the Sufi tradition of teacher and student.