“How are you?”
“You know; you could say more about your life”
“No, I am fine”
There is so much I want to say but no words form – I am speechless.
Loneliness is replaced by solitude. Finally. Sometimes no hope is a much better end than the illusion of company.
You have started to live in a vacuum. It is neither good nor bad – it just is.
You are so used to having conversations with yourself, exploring your mind that there is no appeal for outsiders.
You know the truth about life and you cannot tell anyone. It is too sacred, too contradictory for most to accept. All these years, you kept searching and searching to no avail. Then you stopped, and there it was buried deep within you, shrivelling from the cold of this world. The world that refuses to accept it with all the distractions of their minds.
Your heart knows no love and yet you keep on living.
Is it a curse or a blessing?
You will bear it for the rest of your life and never once know who you really are.
Is this what happens when you are quiet for too long about the things that chipped away at you? Chiselled away your core until you hit silence. Silence so deafening that it spoke volumes.
You don’t tell others; you don’t write about it. You only think about it. Keep thinking until it numbs you. Your mind freezes and you stare into empty space.
“And how are you?”
“I am great, a little bored but that’s life”
“Haha, boring, huh?”
It is just you and the truth. Facing each other like long lost lovers. You hate it yet sooner than later you embrace it. You cannot escape it. It has seen you. You have seen it. This is it. It envelopes you and you shiver with the cold it brings. You do not resist it. You try to shy away from the truth like a newlywed bride. How can you?
It fills all of you until you cry out in agony for it to stop. Now you know what you are. You know what this life is. You know your agony is justified but crying won’t help. It never helps.
“Do you love your close friend?”
“No, no I don’t”
“Because I love my friends and I would do anything for them”
You stop as soon as you start. Crying never helps.
Now you just have to wait. Wait and watch. Let it take over your life. Let the vacuum surround you. You seal your words forever. No one would understand anyway. You have no one but the truth. Because of the truth.
“You don’t think people need other people?”
“Yes, I do. Just not for me, I suppose. Not now. Before, yes”
You have memories left. The truth cannot take that away. You have a mind that can conjure up any reality when you need it the most. So you smile. And then you sigh. You curl up and dig deeper into your mind. You try to open up something bigger than the truth. You know you cannot bury it again but you let it shrivel with cold as you shower warmth of your memories over it. So you can live. So it can let you live. So you can bear it. So you can forget it. So you can forgive it.
“I am intrigued, very fascinating”
You smile. You remember something. You are happy for the time being. Tomorrow is another day. It is merciful.