What will “I” be?

A fascinatingly bothersome question.

I am sure one would say, “You reap what you sow”. What I do today will be my life tomorrow. But, isn’t that just part of the equation though and perhaps a gross oversimplification. There is much more to it. It will be propelled by the conscious and the subconscious choices that I make, the accidents that will happen on the way, the decisions that I will be forced to take when painted in the corner, the past experiences, the state of mind, the values imposed, the people in my life, and much more.

I can probably predict the self in relation to the society, based on my relationships and the goals that I have set for myself, but my deliberation is for the self in relation to myself which is far away in time that would one day turn back and look at her life reel in front of her eyes. What would that self be like? How would that self feel? What would that self know?

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Would that self still be thirsty for knowledge? Would that self still be seeking for answers? Would that self still be able to love as fervorously? Would that self have a lot of regrets? Would that self be content with the way she had lived her life? Would that self welcome death or pull the blanket over her eyes in fear?

Grappling with the effects of such questions, I have been feeling the need to talk to people who are not like me at all. The people who do not think along the same lines, the people who would answer that I should focus on the “right now”. So mellifluous would those words be. But, not powerful enough to make me believe it. What must I do then?

Perhaps, I should just linger a little bit longer in these thoughts and then focus them out of perspective. Perhaps, I should observe, listen, learn and feel more to be able to have a philosophically enriched future that I talk about. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

In my heart of hearts, I know that there is no way of knowing what that self would be like because experience from yesteryear tells me that I am constantly evolving and learning. I do not love the things I had once loved, I love the things that I hated once and I am more aware of myself than ever before.

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I believe then that I have not been after an answer at all. I have been more interested in the feel of such a question because it fills my mind up with unlimited possibilities. It tickles my brain and excites me. It invokes a longing from my future self to the self who is existing and feeling right now. It is my present self reminiscing over those past years that hold so much and yet those experiences are inaccessible. It is my present self secretly romanticizing the past and the future.

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